Dear Jen -
I have often thought about what I would say to you if we had one last chance to hang. There is so much I want you to know and hope you knew Christmas Eve 21 years ago before you left us.
I hated myself for so many years for leaving you there and taking separate cars that night. When I close my eyes I can still see where you were sitting and my last words to you...I said "Get your ass to Aunt Mary's or my Mom is going to kill you". You smiled and told me you were right behind me. But Jen, you weren't right behind me and I was waiting for you. The phone rang and Uncle Peter had a blank stare. Him, Uncle Jack and my Dad made their way down the driveway to meet someone and told us to stay put. I know this is no surprise to you that I didn't listen to anyone. I made my way solo down that driveway to where our friend Marty was standing. It's never a good sign when the Fire Chief is at your family gathering on Christmas Eve. Marty had tears coming down his face when he looked at me because Jen he loved you too, we all loved you. He told me you were in a car accident and you were gone. My Dad and Rick left with him to go see you. They made me go inside and sit down. I hated every single person in that house that night and sitting there was the longest hour of my life. When they finally let me leave my ride down the hill it sunk in my best friend and the closest person to a sister I had was gone. We sat by my parents wood stove and Mom asked me questions. Doing her typical parenting stuff that Aunt Jane always did. I had to answer her Jen instead of you. You were always way better answering her and now I became mad at you. Just as I was about to lose my shit on everyone in came Kay through the back door. She kept telling my Mom it's not true, it's not true. Jen, Kay loved you, we all loved you.
From there lady the rest was a blur. We had to deal with stupid Christmas and get a hold of your Mom and plan your services. I had so much anger I started lashing out. I demanded things like your Pallbearers, you would have been proud of my choices though. Those guys I chose they loved you Jen, we all loved you. The day of your wake Cerissa and I went to the funeral home alone ahead of time. Jesus Jen they curled your hair, your bangs were tight curls? Some how, some way we stood there over your body and fixed your hair for you. So many people came out to your services to celebrate your young life. A few whackos I won't mention came too, you even got a marriage proposal and I thought I may kill someone that day. We did have a slight laugh that I need to mention. My parents were driving to the church while I was stuck in the back seat with your Father, I know right?! We pull up behind your Mom's car and drive right into the back of it. I sat there in disbelief...like who smashes into a car in a funeral procession?! Cerissa, David and I spoke at your funeral. Don't ask me what any of us said I was amazed we all stood up there in the first place. We just wanted to honor you the way you deserved.
All of us people you loved are doing ok. We have certainly had our ups and downs the last 21 years but there is no question in my mind you are watching out for us. You leaving us brought Cathy into our family. I talk with her everyday and she is an amazing friend to all of us just like she was to you. Last December Cath, David, Jan...OMG Jan...that little blue eyed little girl you loved so much well we all got tattoos with the lyrics from the song we played at your funeral in your honor. Speaking of tattoos. Do you remember Old Orchard Beach how we went to get a tattoo together and you chickened out while I had the needle in my ankle. I want to tell you that you are an ass for doing that. Now I am stuck with a ugly rose on my ankle. Anyways...Rick, Scott and I had 7 kids between us. You would love every single one of them they are amazing humans. My Mom and Dad as you can imagine are wonderful grandparents and still do a million things for all of us. Jen, you were a part of this crazy Malo family it hasn't been the same without you and Aunt Jane loved you, we all loved you. All of our guy friends are married with kids, well not Kology but I am sure your not surprised by that. Even Roger has two babies and one on the way. We all talk about you often and the fond memories we all have. All the cousins are doing great especially Matt and Erica. We are all still crazy as ever especially when we all get together. Janice left us too soon like you so I hope you two have a budlight together up there.
The two people you worried about the most your brother and sister, they are doing good Jen. Cerissa is in Rhode Island dating a great guy we all love. He is so good to her and she certainly has had her fair share of bull-shit to overcome. We were recently at Samantha's wedding (Kay's Sami, crazy right?!) and I watched Cerissa and Ken dance together. It was really beautiful how happy they are. As for David well us two are divorced now. That fun task brought us closer together and the two of us spent some time helping each other and bonding through dark times. He works his ass off and is still golfing. You would be proud of the man he has become. As for me oh man lady, I don't think there is enough characters in this blog. I am back living on Green Street at the bottom of the hill where the guys and I had a double apartment. I work too much just like you always did. Still dealing with a crazy person but I run a lot to keep my sanity. I am a pretty good Mom determined to raise two good humans. Molly and Shane think you were stunning every time I show them a picture. Jen, you were stunning and I always wished I looked like you.
I have so many memories of our 7 years living together even when my Mom made us share a room. I think the one thing I miss the most is when we would go out on weekends and rock-paper-scissors who had to tell Jane we were home. Not for nothing but why on earth did you always throw the rookie rock? Did you want to go into my Mom's bedroom because I didn't want to step foot in there? Thanks for doing that though. It certainly gave me a laugh as you explained and lied, I mean explained to Jane where we had been all night. Jen, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you in some way. I told Cathy the other day so many things that have gone on the past two years it's like you have been there for me, you have been there for all of us.
I miss you so much especially on Christmas Eve. I loved you Jen, we all loved you.
Comments